Putting Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to Work for You: Combat Depression, Anxiety and Other Problems

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a form of psychotherapy used to treat depression, anxiety disorders and other problems such as anger, fears, procrastination as well as improve confidence and relationships. It involves recognizing distorted or negative thinking and learning to replace it with more realistic, positive thoughts or beliefs.

Using cognitive behavioral therapy helps treat the day-to-day symptoms of depression and anxiety by replacing your inner voice's false messages of hopelessness or fear with more accurate ones, and more specifically, ones that are more helpful and encouraging that will lead you to feeling better.

It's Time to Tune-in . . . then Change the Channel

It all starts with a look at how you talk to yourself. You know, what your inner voice says to you each and every day.

Think of your inner voice as a radio station that you can tune to any station you want. To get an idea of what "channel" you are on, gauge yourself throughout the day by asking "What am I saying to myself right now?" Write these thoughts down along with notes about how these thoughts or this particular "channel" makes you feel.

Next, examine situations that you feel may be challenging or difficult for you, such as an upcoming meeting with your boss. Write down a brief description of the situation or event.

Now, it's time to ask yourself about what your inner voice is telling you about the situation or event.

If your thoughts are negative, think how you can tap into your strengths to help you turn these negative thoughts into positive ones, freeing yourself up to make the event or situation a successful one.

In the case of an upcoming meeting with your boss, find positive thoughts about your work performance. Have you recently completed a project that you feel good about? Do you feel good about how you have recently worked on a team to accomplish shared goals? Are you well organized and have notes ready for the discussion with your boss?

Can you see how you must first unearth those negative thoughts, then work to replace them with more accurate thoughts and ideas?

It's just like changing the station on the radio.

Before You Hit the Dial, Know This

You may find it easier to change "stations," once you better understand the benefits of changing and just how not changing these channels adversely affects you and your life by contributing to your depression and anxiety symptoms.

To do this, you may want to write down answers to the following questions:

  • What behavior has my flawed self-talk generated?
  • How has my negative self-talk hinder me from getting what I want or keeping me from accomplishing my goals?
  • How will changing these thoughts/beliefs improve my life?
  • What new self-talk can better serve me?
  • What actions are suggested by this new self-talk?

Positive Self-Talk: It's Powerful Stuff

Knowing the answers to the above questions will help you get more acquainted with your inner voice and understand how it can be used to alter your thoughts and subsequent actions.

This is key to changing your inner dialogue to better reflect reality and to include your strengths. Remember, as you are learning all of this about yourself, gauge your inner voice and write down your feelings as you work through situations and events.

This exercise may seem silly, but it will be very productive, with the ultimate outcome being one of changing your thoughts and ultimately your actions.

Yes, positive self-talk really can change your actions and even your outcomes.

To alter your course, simply follow the road that your more accurate, more positive self-talk leads you down. What actions do my more accurate, more positive self-talk prompt? It is here, on this road, where you will find the behavior that goes hand-in-hand with your new positive self-talk and catapults you further down the road - all the way to success.

Tips You Can Use to Know When It's Time to Smarten-up Your Self-Talk

By now, it's easy for you to see how negative self-talk does damage, while positive self-talk can make a big impact on how you feel about yourself, increase your motivation, and help you better deal with the situation at hand.

As you work to change your self-talk (and remove your self-doubt), you will want to keep a watchful eye on these situations that may serve as a catalyst for destructive self-talk. In doing this, you should pay close attention to how you talk to yourself (especially when you start to feel negative emotions):

  • When you're experiencing stressful life events
  • When your expectations don't correspond with what actually happens
  • When you feel yourself stuck in negative emotional or behavioral patterns

And, Beware These Common Distorted Types of Thinking

Additionally, as you examine your self-talk and, more specifically, how and when you let it take hold of you, you will want to be aware of the common types of harmful thinking which can negatively shift your emotions:

  • All-or-nothing thinking - You think in extremes or see things in black and white. There are no gray areas. If a situation is not completely perfect, you consider it a failure.
  • Overgeneralization - You often use the words "always" and "never." When a negative situation happens once, you interpret it as continuous pattern of failing.
  • Jumping to conclusions - You automatically assume something is negative with no evidence to support your conclusion. You may conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you or predict a negative outcome with no sound reasoning to support such ideas.
  • Magnification - You exaggerate the negatives and minimize the positives of a situation or yourself. For example, you may put greater focus on your weaknesses and ignore your strengths.

If You Need Help

If you need additional support in using cognitive behavioral therapy to improve your life, you can see a therapist specializing in this type of treatment or try reading one of the many self-help books based on CBT. Here are few to get you started:

  • Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by Dr. David D. Burns
  • Mind Over Mood: Change How You Feel by Changing the Way You Think by Dennis Greenberger and Christine Padesky
  • The Feeling Good Handbook by Dr. David D. Burns

Behavior is the Bottom-line

Once you tap into your self-talk and learn to change the channel when it is negative and/or unrealistic, tuning in to a more positive, accurate dialogue with yourself, your behaviors will start to change and that is what will have the greatest impact in making changes in your life. That is what really matters most.

Source:
Braiker, Harriet B. "The Power of Self-Talk." Psychology Today (1989): 23-27.

About the Author

Kellie Fowler is an award-winning writer and has written for Associated Press, PR Newswire, Fortune 500 companies, newspapers, national business and healthcare magazines. She is a regular contributor to www.depression-help-resource.com, a website providing information about natural remedies for depression, treatment options and depression related articles and resources.

Reviewed by athealth on February 7, 2014.

Answers to Common Questions about Counseling

When should you seek counseling?

From childhood through late adulthood, there are certain times when we may need help addressing problems and issues that cause us emotional distress or make us feel overwhelmed. When you are experiencing these types of difficulties, you may benefit from the assistance of an experienced, trained professional. Professional counselors offer the caring, expert assistance that we often need during these stressful times. A counselor can help you identify your problems and assist you in finding the best ways to cope with the situation by changing behaviors that contribute to the problem or by finding constructive ways to deal with a situation that is beyond your personal control. Professional counselors offer help in addressing many situations that cause emotional stress, including, but not limited to:

  • anxiety, depression, and other mental and emotional problems and disorders
  • family and relationship issues
  • substance abuse and other addictions
  • sexual abuse and domestic violence
  • eating disorders
  • career change and job stress
  • social and emotional difficulties related to disability and illness
  • adopting to life transitions
  • the death of a loved one

"Good indicators of when you should seek counseling are when you're having difficulties at work, your ability to concentrate is diminished or when your level of pain becomes uncomfortable," says Dr. Gail Robinson, past president of the American Counseling Association. "However, you don't want to wait until the pain becomes unbearable or you're at the end of your rope."

"If someone is questioning if they should go into counseling that is probably the best indicator that they should," says Dr. William King, a mental health counselor in private practice in Indianapolis, Indiana. "You should trust your instincts."

Joyce Breasure, past president of the American Counseling Association and a professional counselor who has been in private practice for more than 20 years, recommends counseling when you:

  • Spend 5 out of 7 days feeling unhappy
  • Regularly cannot sleep at night
  • Are taking care of a parent or a child and the idea crosses your mind that you may want to hit that person
  • Place an elder in a nursing home or in alternative care
  • Have lost someone or something (such as a job)
  • Have a chronic or acute medical illness
  • Can no longer prioritize what is most important in your life
  • Feel that you can no longer manage your stress

"If you're not playing some, working some, and learning some, then you're out of balance. There's a potential for some problems," Breasure says.

Robinson points out you don't have to be "sick" to benefit from counseling. "Counseling is more than a treatment of mental illness," she says. "Some difficult issues we face in life are part of normal development. Sometimes it's helpful to see what you're going through is quite normal."

What is professional counseling?

Professional counselors work with individuals, families, groups and organizations. Counseling is a collaborative effort between the counselor and client. Professional counselors help clients identify goals and potential solutions to problems which cause emotional turmoil; seek to improve communication and coping skills; strengthen self-esteem; and promote behavior change and optimal mental health. Through counseling you examine the behaviors, thoughts and feelings that are causing difficulties in your life. You learn effective ways to deal with your problems by building upon personal strengths. A professional counselor will encourage your personal growth and development in ways that foster your interest and welfare.

Who are professional counselors?

Licensed professional counselors provide quality mental health and substance abuse care to millions of Americans. Professional counselors have a master's or doctoral degree in counseling or a related field which included an internship and coursework in human behavior and development, effective counseling strategies, ethical practice, and other core knowledge areas.

Over 80,000 professional counselors are licensed or certified in 44 states and the District of Columbia. State licensure typically requires a master's or doctoral degree, two to three years of supervised clinical experience, and the passage of an examination. In states without licensure or certification laws, professional counselors are certified by the National Board for Certified Counselors (NBCC). Participation in continuing education is often required for the renewal of a license or certification.

Professional counselors adhere to a code of ethics that protects the confidentiality of the counseling relationship; prohibits discrimination and requires understanding of and respect for diverse cultural backgrounds; and mandates that professional counselors put the needs and welfare of clients before all others in their practice.

Will my health insurance cover counseling?

Many insurance and coverage plans cover mental health services by a licensed professional counselor including some Medicaid programs, CHAMPUS, and other government-sponsored health coverage programs. If you do not have health insurance, or if your coverage does not include mental health care or the services of a professional counselor, many professional counselors will work with clients on a sliding-fee scale or will offer a payment plan. Talk to your counselor about your options.

How much does counseling cost?

The cost of counseling can vary greatly depending on your geographic location and whether counseling is being provided by a community mental health center or similar agency or by a counselor in private practice. In general, the average paid fee for individual counseling sessions is about $65. Fees for group counseling are generally lower, about $35 per group session. For clients with health insurance that does not cover mental health care and others who cannot afford the counselor's standard fee, some counselors will lower their fee on a sliding scale basis or will work out a payment plan. Your counselor should explain to you, prior to beginning the counseling relationship, all financial arrangements related to professional services.

How long does counseling take?

Ideally, counseling is terminated when the problem that you pursued counseling for becomes more manageable or is resolved. However, some insurance companies and managed care plans may limit the number of sessions for which they pay. You should check with your health plan to find out more about any limitations in your coverage. During the first few counseling sessions your counselor should also discuss the length of treatment that may be needed to achieve your goals.

Is everything I say confidential?

All members of the American Counseling Association subscribe to the Code of Ethics and Standards of Practice which require counselors to protect the confidentiality of their communications with clients. Most state licensure laws also protect client confidentiality. As a client, you are guaranteed the protection of confidentiality within the boundaries of the client/counselor relationship. Any disclosure will be made with your full written, informed consent and will be limited to a specific period of time. The only limitations to confidentiality occur when a counselor feels that there is clear and imminent danger to you or to others, or when legal requirements demand that confidential information be disclosed such as a court case. Whenever possible, you will be informed before confidential information is revealed.

How do I find a counselor?

There are many different ways to locate a professional counselor. Some common ways include:

  • The National Board for Certified Counselors referral service (phone NBCC at 336-547-0607 between 8:30 a.m. and 4:30 p.m. Eastern Standard Time, Monday through Friday to find a certified counselor in your area)
  • The yellow pages listed under counselor, marriage and family counselors, therapist or mental health
  • Referral from your physician
  • Recommendations from trusted friends
  • Crisis hotlines
  • Community mental health agencies
  • Local United Way information & referral service
  • Hospitals
  • Child protective services
  • Referral from clergy
  • Employee Assistance Programs (EAPs)

Once you have found a counselor you are interested in seeing, you should ask several important questions, such as:

  • Are you a licensed or certified counselor? What is your educational background? How long have you been practicing counseling?
  • What are your areas of specialization (such as family therapy, women's issues, substance abuse counseling, etc.)?
  • What are your fees? Do you accept my insurance? How is billing handled? Do you offer a sliding fee scale or a payment plan if I do not have insurance for mental health services?
  • How can you help me with my problems? What type of treatment do you use? How long do you think counseling will last?

Some of these questions may be addressed during your initial phone conversation with the counselor and others may be more appropriately discussed in your first face-to-face meeting.

After you have had these questions answered by the counselor to your satisfaction, consider how comfortable you feel with the individual, since you will be working closely together during your counseling sessions. It is difficult to open up and share your problems with a stranger and you may feel awkward or anxious during your initial sessions. But it is also important that you have a "chemistry" or rapport with the counselor. Counselors have different styles, personalities, and approaches. Take time to evaluate how you feel interacting with the counselor and whether you believe that the two of you can work effectively together. If you do not feel at ease with a certain counselor, do not get discouraged. Instead, look for a different individual with whom you would feel more comfortable working with.

Together you and your counselor will set goals, work toward achieving them, and assess how well you are actually meeting them. Counseling can help you maximize your potential and make positive changes in your life. Finally, remember that counseling may be hard work at times but change and progress do happen. A professional counselor can provide the help and support to help you master the challenges of life.

Source: American Counseling Association
http://www.counseling.org

Page last modified or reviewed by athealth on January 29, 2014

Commonly Abused Drugs

Substances:
Category and Name
Examples of Commercial
and Street Names
DEA Schedule*/
How Administered**
Intoxication Effects/Potential Health Consequences
Tobacco
Nicotine Found in cigarettes, cigars, bidis, and smokeless tobacco (snuff, spit tobacco, chew) Not scheduled/smoked, snorted, chewed Increased blood pressure, and heart rate/chronic lung disease; cardiovascular disease; stroke; cancers of the mouth, pharynx, larynx, esophagus, stomach, pancreas, cervix, kidney, bladder, and acute myeloid leukemia; adverse pregnancy outcomes; addiction
Alcohol
Alcohol (ethyl alcohol) Found in liquor, beer, and wine Not scheduled/swallowed In low doses, euphoria, mild stimulation, relaxation, lowered inhibitions; in higher doses, drowsiness, slurred speech, nausea, emotional volatility, loss of coordination, visual distortions, impaired memory, sexual dysfunction, loss of consciousness/increased risk of injuries, violence, fetal damage (in pregnant women); depression; neurologic deficits; hypertension; liver and heart disease; addiction; fatal overdose
Cannabinoids
Hashish Boom, gangster, hash, hash oil, hemp I/swallowed, smoked Euphoria; relaxation; slowed reaction time; distorted sensory perception; impaired balance and coordination; increased heart rate and appetite; impaired learning, memory; anxiety; panic attacks; psychosis/cough, frequent respiratory infections; possible mental health decline; addiction
Marijuana Blunt, dope, ganja, grass, herb, joint, bud, Mary Jane, pot, reefer, green, trees, smoke, sinsemilla, skunk, weed I/swallowed, smoked
Opioids
Heroin Diacetylmorphine: smack, horse, brown sugar, dope, H, junk, skag, skunk, white horse, China white; cheese (with OTC cold medicine and antihistamine) I/injected, smoked, snorted Euphoria; drowsiness; impaired coordination; dizziness; confusion; nausea; sedation; feeling of heaviness in the body; slowed or arrested breathing/constipation; endocarditis; hepatitis; HIV; addiction; fatal overdose
Opium Laudanum, paregoric: big O, black stuff, block, gum, hop II, III, V/swallowed, smoked
Stimulants
Cocaine Cocaine hydrochloride: blow, bump, C, candy, Charlie, coke, crack, flake, rock, snow, toot II/snorted, smoked, injected Increased heart rate, blood pressure, body temperature, metabolism; feelings of exhilaration; increased energy, mental alertness; tremors; reduced appetite; irritability; anxiety; panic; paranoia; violent behavior; psychosis/weight loss, insomnia; cardiac or cardiovascular complications; stroke; seizures; addiction; nasal damage from snorting;
severe dental problems
Amphetamine Biphetamine, Dexedrine: bennies, black beauties, crosses, hearts, LA turnaround, speed, truck drivers, uppers II/swallowed, snorted, smoked, injected
Methamphetamine Desoxyn: meth, ice, crank, chalk, crystal, fire, glass, go fast, speed II/ swallowed, snorted, smoked, injected
Club Drugs
MDMA
(methylenedioxy-methamphetamine)
Ecstasy, Adam, clarity, Eve, lover's speed, peace, uppers I/swallowed, snorted, injected MDMA—mild hallucinogenic effects; increased tactile sensitivity; empathic feelings; lowered inhibition; anxiety; chills; sweating; teeth clenching; muscle cramping/sleep disturbances; depression; impaired memory; hyperthermia; addictionFlunitrazepam—sedation; muscle relaxation; confusion; memory loss; dizziness; impaired coordination/addiction

GHB—drowsiness; nausea; headache; disorientation; loss of coordination; memory loss/unconsciousness; seizures; coma

Flunitrazepam*** Rohypnol: forget-me pill, Mexican Valium, R2, roach, Roche, roofies, roofinol, rope, rophies IV/swallowed, snorted
GHB*** Gamma-
hydroxybutyrate: G, Georgia home boy, grievous bodily harm, liquid ecstasy, soap, scoop, goop, liquid X
I/swallowed
Dissociative Drugs
Ketamine Ketalar SV: cat Valium, K, Special K, vitamin K III/injected, snorted, smoked Ketamine - Feelings of being separate from one’s body and environment; impaired motor function/anxiety; tremors; numbness; memory loss; nausea; analgesia; impaired memory; delirium; respiratory depression and arrest; deathPCP - analgesia; psychosis; aggression; violence; slurred speech; loss of coordination; hallucinationsDXM—euphoria; slurred speech; confusion; dizziness; distorted visual perceptions
PCP and analogs Phencyclidine: angel dust, boat, hog, love boat, peace pill I, II/swallowed, smoked, injected
Salvia divinorum Salvia, Shepherdess’s Herb, Maria Pastora, magic mint, Sally-D Not scheduled/chewed, swallowed, smoked
Dextromethorphan (DXM) Found in some cough and cold medications: Robotripping, Robo, Triple C Not scheduled/swallowed
Hallucinogens
LSD Lysergic acid diethylamide: acid, blotter, cubes, microdot yellow sunshine, blue heaven I/swallowed, absorbed through mouth tissues Altered states of perception and feeling; hallucinations; nauseaLSD and mescaline–increased body temperature, heart rate, blood pressure; loss of appetite; sweating; sleeplessness; numbness, dizziness, weakness, tremors; impulsive behavior; rapid shifts in emotion

LSD–Flashbacks, Hallucinogen Persisting Perception Disorder

psilocybin–nervousness; paranoia; panic

Mescaline Buttons, cactus, mesc, peyote I/swallowed, smoked
Psilocybin Magic mushrooms, purple passion, shrooms, little smoke I/swallowed
Other Compounds
Anabolic steroids Anadrol, Oxandrin, Durabolin, Depo-
Testosterone, Equipoise: roids, juice, gym candy, pumpers
III/injected, swallowed, applied to skin Steroids--no intoxication effects/hypertension; blood clotting and cholesterol changes; liver cysts; hostility and aggression; acne; in adolescents--premature stoppage of growth; in males-prostate cancer, reduced sperm production, shrunken testicles, breast enlargement; in females--menstrual irregularities, development of beard and other masculine characteristicsInhalants (varies by chemical)—stimulation; loss of inhibition; headache; nausea or vomiting; slurred speech; loss of motor coordination; wheezing/cramps; muscle weakness; depression; memory impairment; damage to cardiovascular and nervous systems; unconsciousness; sudden death
Inhalants Solvents (paint thinners, gasoline, glues); gases (butane, propane, aerosol propellants, nitrous oxide); nitrites (isoamyl, isobutyl, cyclohexyl): laughing gas, poppers, snappers, whippets Not scheduled/inhaled through nose or mouth
Prescription Medications
CNS Depressants For more information on prescription medications, please visit http://www.nida.nih.gov/DrugPages/PrescripDrugsChart.html
Stimulants
Opioid Pain Relievers

* Schedule I and II drugs have a high potential for abuse. They require greater storage security and have a quota on manufacturing, among other restrictions. Schedule I drugs are available for research only and have no approved medical use; Schedule II drugs are available only by prescription (unrefillable) and require a form for ordering. Schedule III and IV drugs are available by prescription, may have five refills in 6 months, and may be ordered orally. Some Schedule V drugs are available over the counter.

** Some of the health risks are directly related to the route of drug administration. For example, injection drug use can increase the risk of infection through needle contamination with staphylococci, HIV, hepatitis, and other organisms.

*** Associated with sexual assaults.
Source: The National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA)
http://www.drugabuse.gov/DrugPages/DrugsofAbuse.html
Revised: October 2010

Reviewed by athealth.com on February 1, 2014

Communication -- Helping Your Child Through Early Adolescence

How can I communicate better with my child?

Young adolescents often aren't great communicators, particularly with their parents and other adults who love them. Emily Hutchison, a middle school teacher from Texas notes that young teens "often feel they can talk with anyone better than their parents-even wonderful parents." "They tend to be private," explains Patricia Lemons, a middle school teacher in New Mexico. "They don't necessarily want to tell you what they did at school today."

Many psychologists have found, however, that when parents know where their children are and what they are doing (and when the adolescent knows the parent knows, what psychologists call monitoring), adolescents are at a lower risk for a range of bad experiences, including drug, alcohol and tobacco use; sexual behavior and pregnancy; and delinquency and violence. The key, according to psychologists, is to be inquisitive but not interfering, working to respect your child's privacy as you establish trust and closeness.

It's easiest to communicate with a young teen if you established this habit when your child was little. As school counselor Carol Bleifield explains, "You don't suddenly dive in during the seventh grade and say, 'So what did you do with your friends on Friday night?'" But it's not impossible to improve communication when your child reaches early adolescence.

Here are some tips:

    • Realize that no recipe exists for successful communication. What works for getting one child to talk about what's important doesn't always work with another one. One middle school teacher and mother of two says her daughter is open and talkative; her son is quieter. But because her son likes to listen to music, to write and to read, this mother often goes with him to a local bookstore. Here, in a place where he's comfortable, the son describes stories and book characters as a link to what he is thinking and feeling. By listening to music with him and proofreading his writing when he's willing to let her this mother encourages her son to open up.
    • Listen. "You need to spend a lot of time not talking," suggests Diane Crim, a middle school teacher in Utah. To listen means to avoid interrupting and it means to pay close attention. This is best done in a quiet place with no distractions. It's hard to listen carefully if you're also trying to cook dinner or watch television. Often just talking with your child about a problem or an issue helps to clarify things. Sometimes the less you offer advice, the more your young teen may ask you for it. Listening can also be the best way to uncover a more serious problem that requires your attention.
    • Create opportunities to talk. To communicate with your child you need to make yourself available. Young adolescents resist "scheduled" talks; they don't open up when you tell them to, but when they want to. Some teens like to talk when they first get home from school. Others may like to talk at the dinner table or at bedtime. Some parents talk with their children in the car, preferably when the radio, tapes and CDs aren't playing. "I take my daughter to a mall - not the closer one, but the cooler one that is an hour and a half away," says a middle school teacher and mother. Many of the best conversations grow out of shared activities. "Parents try to grab odd moments and have this deep communication with their child," notes Sherry Tipps, an Arkansas teacher. "Then they are frustrated because it doesn't happen."
    • Talk over differences. Communication breaks down for some parents because they find it hard to manage differences with their child. It's often easiest to limit these differences when you have put in place clear expectations. If your 13-year-old daughter knows she's to be home by 9:30 p.m. - and if she knows the consequences for not meeting this curfew - the likelihood that she will be home on time increases.Differences of opinion are easier to manage when we recognize that these differences can provide important opportunities for us to rethink the limits and to negotiate new ones, a skill that is valuable for your child to develop. For example, when your daughter is 14, setting a later curfew for some occasions may be fine. Such negotiations are possible because of your child's growing cognitive skills and ability to reason and consider many possibilities and views. Because she can consider that her curfew should be later on the weekend than on school nights, your insistence that "it doesn't matter" will only create a conflict.When differences arise, telling your child your concerns firmly but calmly can prevent differences from becoming battles. Explaining why your child made or wants to make a poor choice is more constructive: "Dropping out of your algebra class will cut off lots of choices for you in the future. Some colleges won't admit you without two years of algebra, plus geometry and some trigonometry. Let's get you some help with algebra."
    • Avoid over-reacting. Responding too strongly can lead to yelling and screaming and it can shut down conversation. "Try to keep anxiety and emotions out of the conversation - then kids will open up," advises eighth-grade teacher Anne Jolly from Alabama. Instead of getting riled up, she says, "It's better to ask, 'What do you think about what you did? Let's talk about this.Middle school teacher Charles Summers adds, "Kids are more likely to be open if they look at you as somebody who is not going to spread their secrets or get extremely upset if they confess something to you. If your kid says, 'I've got to tell you something. Friday night I tried beer,' and you go off the deep end, your kid won't tell you again."At a time when they are already judging themselves critically, adolescents make themselves vulnerable when they open up to parents. We know that the best way to encourage a behavior is to reward it. If you are critical when your teenager talks to you, what he sees is that his openness gets punished rather than rewarded.

Sidebar: Children with ADHD, ODD, and other behavioral disorders are particularly vulnerable to low self-esteem. They frequently experience school problems, have difficulty making friends, and lag behind their peers in psychosocial development. They are more likely than other children to bully and to be bullied. It is important that parents make themselves aware of their children's concerns and respond to them in positive, consistent, and supportive ways.

Talk about things that are important to your young teen. Different youngsters like to talk about different things. Some of the things they talk about may not seem important to you, but, as school counselor Carol Bleifield explains, "With kids, sometimes it's like a different culture. You need to try to understand this, to put yourself in their place and time." She cautions against pretending to be excited about something that bores you. By asking questions and listening, however, you can show your child that you respect his feelings and opinions. Here are topics that generally interest young adolescents:

  • School. If you ask your child, "What did you do in school today?" she most likely will answer, "Nothing." Of course, you know that isn't true. By looking at your child's assignment book or reading notices sent home by the school, you will know that on Tuesday, your 10-year-old began studying animals in South America that are headed for extinction or that the homecoming football game is Friday night. With this information, you then can ask your child about specific classes or activities, which is more likely to start a conversation.
  • Hobbies and personal interests. If your child loves sports, talk about his favorite team or event or watch the World Series or the Olympics with him. Most young adolescents are interested in music. Barbara Braithwaite, a middle school teacher in Pennsylvania notes that "Music has been the signature of every generation. It defines each age group. Parents ought to at least know the names of popular singers." It's important, however, to tell your child when you believe that the music he is listening to is inappropriate - and to explain why. Your silence can be misconstrued as approval.
  • Emotions. As was pointed out earlier, young adolescents worry about a lot of different things. They worry about: their friends, being popular, sexuality, being overweight or scrawny, tomorrow's math test, grades, getting into college, being abandoned and the future of the world. The list goes on. Sometimes it's hard to know if a problem seems big to your child. School counselor Carol Bleifield says that if she is unsure, she asks, "Is this a small problem, a medium problem or a big problem? How important is it to you? How often do you worry about it?" Figuring out the size and importance of the problem helps her decide how to address it.
  • Family. Young adolescents like to talk about and be involved in plans for the whole family, such as vacations, as well as things that affect them individually, such as curfews or allowances. If you need back surgery, your child will want to know ahead of time. She may also want to learn more about the operation. Being a part of conversations about such topics can contribute to your child's feelings of belonging and security.
  • Sensitive subjects. Families should handle sensitive subjects in a way that is consistent with their values. Remember, though, that avoiding such subjects won't make them go away. If you avoid talking with your child about sensitive subjects, he may turn to the media or his friends for information. This increases the chances that what he hears will be out of line with your values or that the information will be wrong - or both.

Sharon Sikora, a middle school teacher from Colorado, explains that middle scholars have wrong or inaccurate information about many important subjects. They will say they know about certain sensitive topics but they really don't. Discussing a sensitive subject directly may not work, Ms. Sikora notes, "You can't just sit down and say, 'Today we are going to talk about marijuana use.' That shuts down the conversation before you ever start."

Parents' lives, hopes and dreams. Many young adolescents want a window to their parents' world, both past and present. How old were you when you got your ears pierced? Did you ever have a teacher who drove you crazy? Did you get an allowance when you were 11? If so, how much? Were you sad when your grandpa died? What is your boss like at work? This doesn't mean you are obligated to dump all of your problems and emotions into your child's lap. You are a parent not a peer and an inappropriate question may best be left answered. However, recounting some things about your childhood and your life today can help your child sort out his own life.

The future. As the cognitive abilities of young adolescents develop, they begin to think more about the future and its possibilities. Your child may want to talk more about what to expect in the years to come - ife after high school, jobs and marriage. He may ask questions such as, "What is it like to live in a college dormitory?" "How old do you have to be to get married?" "Is there any chance that the world will blow up some day?" "Will there be enough gasoline so that I can drive a car when I get older?" These questions deserve the best answers that you can provide (and those that you can't answer deserve an honest, "I don't know.").

Culture, current events. Ours is a media-rich world. Even young children are exposed to television, music, movies, video and computer games and other forms of media. Remember, though, that the media can provide a window into your adolescent's world. For example, if you and your child have seen the same movie (together or separately), you can ask her whether she liked it and what parts she liked best.

  • Communicate with kindness and respect. Young teens can say or do things that are outrageous or mean-spirited or both. However hard your child pushes your buttons, it's best to respond calmly. The respect and self-control that you display in talks with your child may some day be reflected in her conversations with others.How you say something is as important as what you say. "Stop picking at your face" can reduce a young adolescent to tears. "Your room looks like a pigsty" isn't as helpful as, "You need to spend some time picking up your room. The job will be easier if you spend 5 minutes right now picking the clothes up off the floor - putting the dirty ones in the hamper and hanging the clean ones up. After lunch you can spend 5 minutes straightening up your bookshelf." Youngsters also pay attention to the tone of your voice. A 10-year-old can easily tell a calm voice from an angry one.Kindness goes hand-in-hand with respect. As Joan Lipsitz, a nationally recognized authority on educating middle-grade students and the mother of two grown children, explains, "When I was an active parent and teacher, I had a rule that grew out of a classroom experience: 'I will never knowingly be unkind to you and you will never knowingly be unkind to me.' That turned out to be the most powerful rule I ever set, either in the classroom - it changed the culture - or at home."Communicating with respect also requires not talking down to adolescents. They are becoming more socially conscious and aware of events in the world and they appreciate thoughtful conversations. Jerri Foley, a middle school counselor in South Carolina, tells the story of a trip she made with a group of adolescent girls when the state was debating whether to continue flying the Confederate battle flag from atop the state house. "We were driving along the highway when we got into a big discussion," she recalls. "We got so intense talking about it that we missed the exit to come home."

Source: US Department of Education
Page last modified or reviewed by athealth.com on February 2, 2014

Complex Trauma in Children and Adolescents

Complex Trauma in Children and Adolescents

The term complex trauma describes the dual problem of children's exposure to multiple traumatic events and the impact of this exposure on immediate and long-term outcomes. Typically, complex trauma exposure results when a child is abused or neglected, but it can also be caused by other kinds of events such as witnessing domestic violence, ethnic cleansing, or war. Many children involved in the child welfare system have experienced complex trauma.

Often, the consequences of complex trauma exposure are devastating for a child. This is because complex trauma exposure typically interferes with the formation of a secure attachment bond between a child and her caregiver. Normally, the attachment between a child and caregiver is the primary source of safety and stability in a child's life. Lack of a secure attachment can result in a loss of core capacities for self-regulation and interpersonal relatedness. Children exposed to complex trauma often experience lifelong problems that place them at risk for additional trauma exposure and other difficulties, including psychiatric and addictive disorders, chronic medical illness, and legal, vocational, and family problems. These difficulties may extend from childhood through adolescence and into adulthood.

The diagnosis of posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) does not capture the full range of developmental difficulties that traumatized children experience. Children exposed to maltreatment, family violence, or loss of their caregivers often meet diagnostic criteria for depression, attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), oppositional defiant disorder (ODD), conduct disorder, anxiety disorders, eating disorders, sleep disorders, communication disorders, separation anxiety disorder, and/or reactive attachment disorder. Yet each of these diagnoses captures only a limited aspect of the traumatized child's complex self-regulatory and relational difficulties. A more comprehensive view of the impact of complex trauma can be gained by examining trauma's impact on a child's growth and development.

Impact on Development

A comprehensive review of the literature suggests seven primary domains of impairment observed in children exposed to complex trauma. Each of the seven domains is discussed below.

Attachment

Complex trauma is most likely to develop if an infant or child is exposed to danger that is unpredictable or uncontrollable, because the child's body must devote resources that are normally dedicated to growth and development instead to survival. The greatest source of danger and unpredictability is the absence of a caregiver who reliably and responsively protects and nurtures the child. The early care giving relationship provides the primary context within which children learn about themselves, their emotions, and their relationships with others. A secure attachment supports a child's development in many essential areas, including his capacity for regulating physical and emotional states, his sense of safety (without which he will be reluctant to explore his environment), his early knowledge of how to exert an influence on the world, and his early capacity for communication.

When the child-caregiver relationship is the source of trauma, the attachment relationship is severely compromised. Care giving that is erratic, rejecting, hostile, or abusive leaves a child feeling helpless and abandoned. In order to cope, the child attempts to exert some control, often by disconnecting from social relationships or by acting coercively towards others. Children exposed to unpredictable violence or repeated abandonment often learn to cope with threatening events and emotions by restricting their processing of what is happening around them. As a result, when they confront challenging situations, they cannot formulate a coherent, organized response. These children often have great difficulty regulating their emotions, managing stress, developing concern for others, and using language to solve problems. Over the long term, the child is placed at high risk for ongoing physical and social difficulties due to:

  • Increased susceptibility to stress (e.g., difficulty focusing attention and controlling arousal),
  • Inability to regulate emotions without outside help or support (e.g., feeling and acting overwhelmed by intense emotions), and
  • Inappropriate help-seeking (e.g., excessive help-seeking and dependency or social isolation and disengagement).

Biology

Toddlers or preschool-aged children with complex trauma histories are at risk for failing to develop brain capacities necessary for regulating emotions in response to stress. Trauma interferes with the integration of left and right hemisphere brain functioning, such that a child cannot access rational thought in the face of overwhelming emotion. Abused and neglected children are then prone to react with extreme helplessness, confusion, withdrawal, or rage when stressed.

In middle childhood and adolescence, the most rapidly developing brain areas are those that are crucial for success in forming interpersonal relationships and solving problems. Traumatic stressors or deficits in self-regulatory abilities impede this development, and can lead to difficulties in emotional regulation, behavior, consciousness, cognition, and identity formation.

It is important to note that supportive and sustaining relationships with adults-or, for adolescents, with peers-can protect children and adolescents from many of the consequences of traumatic stress. When interpersonal support is available, and when stressors are predictable, escapable, or controllable, children and adolescents can become highly resilient in the face of stress.

Affect Regulation

Exposure to complex trauma can lead to severe problems with affect regulation. Affect regulation begins with the accurate identification of internal emotional experiences. This requires the ability to differentiate among states of arousal, interpret these states, and apply appropriate labels (e.g. "happy," "frightened"). When children are provided with inconsistent models of affect and behavior (e.g., a smiling expression paired with rejecting behavior) or with inconsistent responses to affective display (e.g., child distress is met inconsistently with anger, rejection, nurturance, or neutrality), no coherent framework is provided through which to interpret experience.

Following the identification of an emotional state, a child must be able to express emotions safely and to adjust or regulate internal experience. Complexly traumatized children show impairment in both of these skills. Because they have difficulty in both self-regulating and self-soothing, these children may display dissociation, chronic numbing of emotional experience, dysphoria and avoidance of emotional situations (including positive experiences), and maladaptive coping strategies (e.g., substance abuse).

The existence of a strong relationship between early childhood trauma and subsequent depression is well-established. Recent twin studies, considered one of the highest forms of clinical scientific evidence because they can control for genetic and family factors, have conclusively documented that early childhood trauma, especially sexual abuse, dramatically increases risk for major depression, as well as many other negative outcomes. Not only does childhood trauma appear to increase the risk for major depression, it also appears to predispose toward earlier onset of depression, as well as longer duration, and poorer response to standard treatments.

Dissociation

Dissociation is one of the key features of complex trauma in children. In essence, dissociation is the failure to take in or integrate information and experiences. Thus, thoughts and emotions are disconnected, physical sensations are outside conscious awareness, and repetitive behavior takes place without conscious choice, planning, or self-awareness. Although dissociation begins as a protective mechanism in the face of overwhelming trauma, it can develop into a problematic disorder. Chronic trauma exposure may lead to an over-reliance on dissociation as a coping mechanism that, in turn, can exacerbate difficulties with behavioral management, affect regulation, and self-concept.

Behavioral Regulation

Complex childhood trauma is associated with both under-controlled and over-controlled behavior patterns. As early as the second year of life, abused children may demonstrate rigidly controlled behavior patterns, including compulsive compliance with adult requests, resistance to changes in routine, inflexible bathroom rituals, and rigid control of food intake. Childhood victimization also has been shown to be associated with the development of aggressive behavior and oppositional defiant disorder.

An alternative way of understanding the behavioral patterns of chronically traumatized children is that they represent children's defensive adaptations to overwhelming stress. Children may reenact behavioral aspects of their trauma (e.g., through aggression, or self-injurious or sexualized behaviors) as automatic behavioral reactions to trauma reminders or as attempts to gain mastery or control over their experiences. In the absence of more advanced coping strategies, traumatized children may use drugs or alcohol in order to avoid experiencing intolerable levels of emotional arousal. Similarly, in the absence of knowledge of how to form healthy interpersonal relationships, sexually abused children may engage in sexual behaviors in order to achieve acceptance and intimacy.

Cognition

Prospective studies have shown that children of abusive and neglectful parents demonstrate impaired cognitive functioning by late infancy when compared with non-abused children. The sensory and emotional deprivation associated with neglect appears to be particularly detrimental to cognitive development; neglected infants and toddlers demonstrate delays in expressive and receptive language development, as well as deficits in overall IQ. By early childhood, maltreated children demonstrate less flexibility and creativity in problem-solving tasks than same-age peers. Children and adolescents with a diagnosis of PTSD secondary to abuse or witnessing violence demonstrate deficits in attention, abstract reasoning, and problem solving.

By early elementary school, maltreated children are more frequently referred for special education services. A history of maltreatment is associated with lower grades and poorer scores on standardized tests and other indices of academic achievement. Maltreated children have three times the dropout rate of the general population. These findings have been demonstrated across a variety of trauma exposures (e.g., physical abuse, sexual abuse, neglect, and exposure to domestic violence) and cannot be accounted for by the effects of other psychosocial stressors such as poverty.

Self-Concept

The early caregiver relationship has a profound effect on a child's development of a coherent sense of self. Responsive, sensitive caretaking and positive early life experiences allow a child to develop a model of self as generally worthy and competent. In contrast, repetitive experiences of harm and/or rejection by significant others and the associated failure to develop age-appropriate competencies are likely to lead to a sense of self as ineffective, helpless, deficient, and unlovable. Children who perceive themselves as powerless or incompetent and who expect others to reject and despise them are more likely to blame themselves for negative experiences and have problems eliciting and responding to social support.

By 18 months, maltreated toddlers already are more likely to respond to self-recognition with neutral or negative affect than non-traumatized children. In preschool, traumatized children are more resistant to talking about internal states, particularly those they perceive as negative. Traumatized children have problems estimating their own competence. Early exaggerations of competence in preschool shift to significantly lowered estimates of self-competence by late elementary school. By adulthood, they tend to suffer from a high degree of self-blame.

Family Context

The family, particularly the child's mother, plays a crucial role in determining how the child adapts to experiencing trauma. In the aftermath of trauma, family support and parents' emotional functioning strongly mitigate the development of PTSD symptoms and enhance a child's capacity to resolve the symptoms.

There are three main elements in caregivers' supportive responses to their children's trauma:

  • Believing and validating the child's experience,
  • Tolerating the child's affect, and
  • Managing the caregiver's own emotional response.

When a caregiver denies the child's experiences, the child is forced to act as if the trauma did not occur. The child also learns she cannot trust the primary caregiver and does not learn to use language to deal with adversity. It is important to note that it is not caregiver distress per se that is necessarily detrimental to the child. Instead, when the caregiver's distress overrides or diverts attention away from the needs of the child, the child may be adversely affected. Children may respond to their caregiver's distress by avoiding or suppressing their own feelings or behaviors, by avoiding the caregiver altogether, or by becoming "parentified" and attempting to reduce the distress of the caregiver.

Caregivers who have had impaired relationships with attachment figures in their own lives are especially vulnerable to problems in raising their own children. Caregivers with histories of childhood complex trauma may avoid experiencing their own emotions, which may make it difficult for them to respond appropriately to their child's emotional state. Parents and guardians may see a child's behavioral responses to trauma as a personal threat or provocation, rather than as a reenactment of what happened to the child or a behavioral representation of what the child cannot express verbally. The victimized child's simultaneous need for and fear of closeness also can trigger a caregiver's own memories of loss, rejection, or abuse, and thus diminish parenting abilities.

Ethnocultural Issues

Children's risk of exposure to complex trauma, as well as child and family responses to exposure, can also be affected by where they live and by their ethnocultural heritage and traditions. For example, war and genocide are prevalent in some parts of the world, and inner cities are frequently plagued with high levels of violence and racial tension. Children, parents, teachers, religious leaders, and the media from different cultural, national, linguistic, spiritual, and ethnic backgrounds define key trauma-related constructs in many different ways and with different expressions. For example, flashbacks may be "visions," hyperarousal may be "un ataque de nervios," and dissociation may be "spirit possession." These factors become important when considering how to treat the child.

Resilience Factors

While exposure to complex trauma has a potentially devastating impact on the developing child, there is also the possibility that a victimized child may function well in certain domains while exhibiting distress in others. Areas of competence also can shift as children are faced with new stressors and developmental challenges.

Several factors have been shown to be linked to children's resilience in the face of stress: positive attachment and connections to emotionally supportive and competent adults within the family or community, development of cognitive and self-regulation abilities, and positive beliefs about oneself and motivation to act effectively in one's environment. Additional individual factors associated with resilience include an easygoing disposition, positive temperament, and sociable demeanor; internal locus of control and external attributions for blame; effective coping strategies; a high degree of mastery and autonomy; special talents; creativity; and spirituality.

The greatest threats to resilience appear to follow the breakdown of protective systems. This results in damage to brain development and associated cognitive and self-regulatory capacities, compromised caregiver-child relationships, and loss of motivation to interact with one's environment.

Assessment and Treatment

Regardless of the type of trauma that leads to a referral for services, the first step in care is a comprehensive assessment. A comprehensive assessment of complex trauma includes information from a number of sources, including the child's or adolescent's own disclosures, collateral reports from caregivers and other providers, the therapist's observations, and standardized assessment measures that have been completed by the child, caregiver, and, if possible, by the child's teacher. Assessments should be culturally sensitive and language-appropriate. Court evaluations, where required, must be conducted in a forensically sound and clinically rigorous manner.

The National Child Traumatic Stress Network is a partnership of organizations and individuals committed to raising the standard of care for traumatized children nationwide. The Complex Trauma Workgroup of the National Child Traumatic Stress Network has identified six core components of complex trauma intervention:

  • Safety: Creating a home, school, and community environment in which the child feels safe and cared for
  • Self-regulation: Enhancing a child's capacity to modulate arousal and restore equilibrium following disregulation of affect, behavior, physiology, cognition, interpersonal relatedness and self-attribution.
  • Self-reflective information processing: Helping the child construct self-narratives, reflect on past and present experience, and develop skills in planning and decision making.
  • Traumatic experiences integration: Enabling the child to transform or resolve traumatic reminders and memories using such therapeutic strategies as meaning-making, traumatic memory containment or processing, remembrance and mourning of the traumatic loss, symptom management and development of coping skills, and cultivation of present-oriented thinking and behavior.
  • Relational engagement: Teaching the child to form appropriate attachments and to apply this knowledge to current interpersonal relationships, including the therapeutic alliance, with emphasis on development of such critical interpersonal skills as assertiveness, cooperation, perspective-taking, boundaries and limit-setting, reciprocity, social empathy, and the capacity for physical and emotional intimacy.
  • Positive affect enhancement: Enhancing a child's sense of self-worth, esteem and positive self-appraisal through the cultivation of personal creativity, imagination, future orientation, achievement, competence, mastery-seeking, community-building and the capacity to experience pleasure.

In light of the many individual and contextual differences in the lives of children and adolescents affected by complex trauma, good treatment requires the flexible adaptation of treatment strategies in response to such factors as patient age and developmental stage, gender, culture and ethnicity, socioeconomic status, and religious or community affiliation. However, in general, it is recommended that treatment proceed through a series of phases that focus on different goals. This can help avoid overloading children-who may well already have cognitive difficulties-with too much information at one time.

A phase-based approach begins with a focus on providing safety, typically followed by teaching self-regulation. As children's capacity to identify, modulate and express their emotions stabilizes, treatment focus increasingly incorporates self-reflective information processing, relational engagement, and positive affect enhancement. These additional components play a critical role in helping children to develop in positive, healthy ways, and to avoid future trauma and victimization.

While it may be beneficial for some children affected by complex trauma to process their traumatic memories, this typically can only be successfully undertaken after a substantial period of stabilization in which internal and external resources have been established. Notably, several of the leading interventions for child complex trauma do not include revisiting traumatic memories but instead foster integration of traumatic experiences through a focus on recognizing and coping with present triggers within a trauma framework.

Best practice with this population typically involves adoption of a systems approach to intervention, which might involve working with child protective services, the court system, the schools, and social service agencies. Finally, there is a consensus that interventions should build strengths as well as reduce symptoms. In this way, treatment for children and adolescents also serves to protect against poor outcomes in adulthood.

References

This article has been adapted from the following sources:

Cook, A., Spinazzola, J., Ford, J., Lanktree, C., Blaustein, M.; Cloitre, M, DeRosa, R., Hubbard, R., Kagan, R., Liautaud, J., Mallah, K., Olafson, E., & van der Kolk, B. (2005). Complex trauma in children and adolescents. Psychiatric Annals, 35, 390-398.

Cook, A., Blaustein, M., Spinazzola, J, & van der Kolk, B. (Eds.). Complex trauma in children and adolescents. National Child Traumatic Stress Network. www.nctsnet.org/nccts/nav.do?pid=typ_ct

Authors

Alexandra Cook, Joseph Spinazzola, Julian Ford, Cheryl Lanktree, Margaret Blaustein, Caryll Sprague, Marylene Cloitre, Ruth DeRosa, Rebecca Hubbard, Richard Kagan, Joan Liautaud, Karen Mallah, Erna Olafson, Bessel van der Kolk.

The authors wish to acknowledge the contributions of the Complex Trauma Workgroup of the National Child Traumatic Stress Network.

Source:
Focal Point: A National Bulletin on Family Support and Children's Mental Health
Winter 2007 Focal Point, Vol. 21, No. 1
Used with permission
Research and Training Center
Portland State University
http://www.pdx.edu/

Page last modified or reviewed by February 2, 2014

Conduct Disorders in Children and Adolescents

What Is Conduct Disorder?

Children with conduct disorder (CD) repeatedly violate the personal or property rights of others and the basic expectations of society. A diagnosis of conduct disorder is likely when symptoms continue for 6 months or longer. Conduct disorder is known as a "disruptive behavior disorder" because of its impact on children and their families, neighbors, and schools.

Another disruptive behavior disorder, called oppositional defiant disorder (ODD), may be a precursor of conduct disorder. A child is diagnosed with oppositional defiant disorder when he or she shows signs of being hostile and defiant for at least 6 months. Oppositional defiant disorder may start as early as the preschool years, while conduct disorder generally appears when children are older. The differential diagnosis of conduct disorder includes oppositional defiant disorder, attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), mood disorder and intermittent explosive disorder. There is a high degree of overlap among CD, ODD, and ADHD.

What Are the Signs of Conduct Disorder?

Some symptoms of conduct disorder include:

  • Aggressive behavior that harms or threatens to harm other people or animals;
  • Destructive behavior that damages or destroys property;
  • Lying or theft; and
  • Truancy or other serious violations of rules;
  • Early tobacco, alcohol, and substance use and abuse; and
  • Precocious sexual activity.

Children with conduct disorder or oppositional defiant disorder also may experience:

  • Higher rates of depression, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts, and suicide;
  • Academic difficulties;
  • Poor relationships with peers or adults;
  • Sexually transmitted diseases;
  • Difficulty staying in adoptive, foster, or group homes; and
  • Higher rates of injuries, school expulsions, and problems with the law.

How Common is Conduct Disorder?

Conduct disorder affects 1 to 4 percent of 9- to 17-year-olds, depending on exactly how the disorder is defined. The disorder appears to be more common in boys than in girls and more common in cities than in rural areas.

Who Is at Risk?

Research shows that some cases of conduct disorder begin in early childhood, often by the preschool years. In fact, some infants who are especially "fussy" appear to be at risk for developing conduct disorder. Other factors that may make a child more likely to develop conduct disorder include:

  • Early maternal rejection;
  • Separation from parents, without an adequate alternative caregiver;
  • Early institutionalization;
  • Family neglect;
  • Abuse or violence;
  • Parental mental illness;
  • Parental marital discord;
  • Large family size;
  • Crowding; and
  • Poverty.

What Help Is Available for Families?

Although conduct disorder is one of the most difficult behavior disorders to treat, young people often benefit from a range of services that include:

  • Training for parents on how to handle child or adolescent behavior.
  • Family therapy.
  • Training in problem solving skills for children or adolescents.
  • Community-based services that focus on the young person within the context of family and community influences.

What Can Parents Do?

Some child and adolescent behaviors are hard to change after they have become ingrained. Therefore, the earlier the conduct disorder is identified and treated, the better the chance for success. Most children or adolescents with conduct disorder are probably reacting to events and situations in their lives. Some recent studies have focused on promising ways to prevent conduct disorder among at-risk children and adolescents. In addition, more research is needed to determine if biology is a factor in conduct disorder.

Parents or other caregivers who notice signs of conduct disorder or oppositional defiant disorder in a child or adolescent should:

  • Pay careful attention to the signs, try to understand the underlying reasons, and then try to improve the situation.
  • If necessary, talk with a mental health or social services professional, such as a teacher, counselor, psychiatrist, or psychologist specializing in childhood and adolescent disorders.
  • Get accurate information from libraries, hotlines, or other sources.
  • Talk to other families in their communities.
  • Find family network organizations.

People who are not satisfied with the mental health services they receive should discuss their concerns with their provider, ask for more information, and/or seek help from other sources.

Important Messages About Children's and Adolescents' Mental Health:

  • Every child's mental health is important.
  • Many children have mental health problems.
  • These problems are real and painful and can be severe.
  • Mental health problems can be recognized and treated.
  • Caring families and communities working together can help.

Source: Center for Mental Health Services
Page last modified or reviewed by athealth.com on February 2, 2014

Confidence - Helping Your Child Through Early Adolescence

How can I help my child to become more confident?

Young teens often feel inadequate. They have new bodies and developing minds and their relationships with friends and family members are in flux. They understand for the first time that they aren't good at everything. The changes in their lives may take place more rapidly than their ability to adjust to them.

Children with ADHD, ODD, and other behavioral disorders are particularly vulnerable to lack of confidence and low self-esteem. They frequently experience school problems, have difficulty making friends, and lag behind their peers in psychosocial development.

Poor self-esteem often peaks in early adolescence, then improves during the middle and late teen years as identities gain strength and focus. At any age, however, a lack of confidence can be a serious problem. Young teens with poor self-esteem can be lonely, awkward with others and sensitive to criticism and with what they see as their shortcomings. Young teens with low confidence are less likely to join in activities and form friendships. This isolates them further and slows their ability to develop a better self-image. When they do make friends, they are more vulnerable to negative peer pressure.

Some young adolescents who lack confidence hold back in class. Others act out to gain attention. At its worst, a lack of confidence is often linked with self-destructive behavior and habits?smoking or drug or alcohol use, for example.

Girls often experience deeper self-doubts than do boys (although there are many exceptions). This can be for many reasons:

  • Society sends girls the message that it is important for them to get along with others and to be very, very thin and pretty. Life can be just as hard, however, for a boy who thinks he has to meet society's expectations that boys have to be good at sports and other physical activities.
  • Girls mature physically about two years earlier than do boys, which requires girls to deal with issues of how they look, popularity and sexuality before they are emotionally mature enough to do so.
  • Girls may receive confusing messages about the importance of achievement. Although girls are told that achievement is important, some also fear that they won't be liked, especially by boys, if they come across as too smart or too capable, especially in the areas of math, science and technology.If your young adolescent suffers from a severe lack of confidence over long period, she may benefit from seeing a counselor or other professional. This is especially true if she also has a drug or alcohol problem, a learning disability, an eating disorder or severe depression. (See the Problems section, for information that can help you to decide whether your child fits into one of these categories.) Most young adolescents will get through the rough spots with adequate time and support.
    Most psychologists now believe that self-esteem and self-confidence represent a range of feelings that a child has about himself in many different situations. Psychologist Susan Harter has developed a theory of self-esteem that considers both a child's sense of confidence in an area of activity and how important that area is to the child. For example, adolescents may think about a number of situations: competing on the track team, studying math, dating, taking care of younger brothers or sisters and so on. An adolescent is likely to feel more confident doing some of these things than others. She may feel very good about her athletic ability and skill at math, but feel bad about her dating life. She may also have mixed feelings about how good a sister she is to her baby brother. How good this teenager feels about herself ties to how important each of these area is to her. If having a very active dating life is the most important area of her life, this girl will feel bad about herself. If being a scholar-athlete is most important area, then she will feel very good about herself. Based on this theory, the best ways to help your child to develop confidence include the following:

    • Provide opportunities for your child to succeed. As teacher Diane Crim points out, "The best way to instill confidence in someone is to give them successful experiences. You need to set them up to succeed?give them experiences where they can see how powerful they are. Kids can engineer those experiences. Part of confidence is knowing what to do when you don't know what to do."Help your child to build confidence in his abilities by encouraging him to take an art class, act in a play, join a soccer or baseball team, participate in science fairs or computer clubs or play a musical instrument?whatever he likes to do that brings out the best in him. Don't push a particular activity on your child. Most children, whether they are 3 or 13 years old, resist efforts to get them to do things that they don't enjoy. Pushing children to participate in activities they haven't chosen for themselves can lead to frustration. Try to balance your child's experiences between activities that he is already good at doing with new activities or with activities that he is not so good at doing.You can also help your child to build confidence by assigning him family responsibilities at which he can succeed?unloading the dishwasher, cleaning his room or mowing the lawn.
    • Help young teens feel safe and trust in themselves. The ability of adolescents to trust in themselves comes from receiving unconditional love that helps them to feel safe and to develop the ability to solve their own problems. Your child, like all children, will encounter situations that require her to lean on you and others. But always relying on you to bail her out of tough situations can stunt her emotional growth. "We have to teach our children how to cope with the things they encounter, instead of easing the path," says teacher Anne Jolly.
    • Talk about anxieties that are related to school violence and to global terrorism. Many children have seen terrifying images of death and destruction on television and on the Internet. You can help your child to understand that although the country has suffered awful acts of terror, we are strong people who can come together and support each other through difficult times. In addition, you can:
      • Create a calm environment in your home through your own behavior. This may not be possible if your family has been affected directly by an act of terror or violence. If you are anxious, you need to explain to your child what you are feeling and why. Children take emotional cues from those they love.
      • Listen to what your child has to say. Assure him that adults are working to make homes and schools safe.
      • Help your child to separate fact from fiction. Discuss facts with your child and avoid guessing, exaggerating or overreacting.
      • Monitor your child's television, radio and Internet activity. Help her to avoid overexposure to violent images, which can heighten her anxiety.
      • Use historical examples (for example, Pearl Harbor or the Challenger space shuttle explosion) to explain to your child that bad things happen to innocent people, but that people go on with their lives and resolve even terrible situations.
      • Continue your normal family routines.
    • Praise and encourage. Praise is meaningful to adolescents when it comes from those they love and count on most?their parents and other important adults in their lives. Praising your child will help her to gain confidence. However, the compliments that you give her must be genuine. She will recognize when they are not.
    • Have patience. As adults, most people have confidence. This confidence comes about through years of experiencing success, but also through years of exploring strengths and weakness and choosing to stress different parts of our lives. Most of us would be unhappy if we had to do only those things that we are not good at. As adults, we tend to find our areas of strength and - to the extent we can ? to pursue these areas more than others. For an adolescent, however, it is difficult to downplay the areas in which they are less confident. For example, it is very hard for an adolescent with academic skills to focus on school rather than on dating, when all of her friends are dating and telling her how important dating is. For a parent this can lead to feelings of helplessness. You know that whether that cute new boy asked out your daughter will have little consequence on her life for the long run, but you also know that she cannot yet see this!

    US Department of Education
    10/15/2007
    Page last modified or reviewed by AH on March 28, 2011

Conflict Management

To manage conflict effectively, we must first understand what conflict is. Once we have that understanding, we can gain the knowledge and skills to prevent conflict or deal with it effectively when it arises.

This article provides a brief overview of conflict and strategies for:

  • preventing conflict;
  • assessing and resolving conflict; and
  • negotiating a win-win solution. Much of the information has been excerpted from the Head Start Moving Ahead Skills and Competency-Based Training Program. Other articles in this issue of the Bulletin provide more detail on these issues; the Resources section lists sources of additional information.

What is conflict?

Conflict can be viewed as a difference in perspectives: what you see, think, feel, and believe may be different from what I see, think, feel, and believe. Conflict is thus a part of all human interaction, and it can have a positive influence. We can learn from one another and benefit from a variety of perspectives on issues. In terms of our Head Start programs, the diversity of perspectives within each center helps to generate ideas, facilitate change, and generally make the program more responsive to the needs of children and families. If managed wisely, conflict is a source of vitality and an opportunity for positive change.

The most positive experiences in managing conflict require a safe and supportive organizational climate in which relationships are based on trust and mutual respect. Only then can people feel comfortable and safe in expressing differences of opinions and working toward a win-win resolution for everyone.

Creating a Supportive Environment

To cultivate a supportive environment in which people feel free to disagree and are encouraged to work constructively toward a mutually acceptable compromise, try the following:

  • Inspire with insights, reminders, and maxims. Post phrases, quotations, and cartoons as reminders of good conflict resolution habits wherever staff members gather; distribute relevant articles found in newspapers and magazines.
  • Encourage "Skill of the Month" activity. Since new behavior is reinforced when everyone focuses on it at the same time, staff can select one specific conflict resolution skill to work on each month, such as paraphrasing, calming down, brainstorming, naming one's feelings, or responding to anger or frustration.
  • Encourage reflection. Encourage individuals to reflect on their personal behavior in private journals.
  • Open up discussions. Supply staff with a video on personnel management, and facilitate a follow-up discussion on conflict resolution topics, such as conflict de-escalation techniques, family origins of conflict styles, and community mediation resources.
  • Model proper behavior. Be a good model for attitudes or skills you support before suggesting others adopt these behaviors. Nothing is more persuasive to staff than your own commitment to, and personal observance of, positive communication and conflict management skills.
  • Start small. People don't resist change. . . they resist being changed. Allow for different levels of readiness and acceptance of this shift in thinking. Set the stage for resolving conflict in every possible way, but allow people to find their own way in their own time.
  • Influence the organization. Consider how you might exert influence on resolving conflicts at organizational levels:
    • Build in rewards and punishments. What type of disputing behavior gets rewarded by your program? Are those who sweep problems under the rug until they spill over into everyone's work ever helped to see the effects of their "avoidance"? Do those who "name" a problem get treated as if they created the problem instead of appreciated for their courage in bringing it to the surface?
  • Look at who you hire. Does the program hire problem solvers? How well do job candidates understand the nature of conflict, and can they demonstrate experience working cooperatively with others to solve problems? Could your job descriptions be written to include a desire for abilities such as listening, flexibility, priority setting, and handling emotions, along with other related skills?
  • Finally, plan for "outbreaks" Are you prepared to handle simmering staff tensions that could erupt? What support can you count on? How can you prevent future eruptions? Since we learn best through experience, a crisis can be a unique learning opportunity for everyone when it is handled constructively.

Conflict-Prevention Skills

While conflict can be a positive influence, it is not necessarily something that people want to face every day. As the saying goes, too much of a good thing is ? well, too much! The following skills can help you prevent conflict or assist you and your team in managing or resolving conflict:

  • Help the team focus on the task and stay on track.
  • Be mindful of other people's styles.
  • Make suggestions on how to proceed.
  • Help negotiate.
  • Ask questions to clarify expectations, issues, and possible directions to take.
  • Help find needed resources.
  • Provide constructive feedback.
  • Share observations.
  • Coach staff.
  • Help team members plan how to implement their agreement.
  • Help team members evaluate their efforts and make needed changes.

Additional ways of preventing or managing conflict include:

  • Setting ground rules for discussion.
  • Teaching reflective listening skills to team members.
  • Teaching mediation skills.

Separating Interests from Positions

One of the most important steps people can take in learning to prevent or resolve conflicts is to become aware of and sensitive to the difference between interests and positions. Interests are the needs, concerns, and values that motivate each person. They represent why a person wants something, and they get at underlying issues. Positions are the actions a person will take to meet his or her needs and achieve a desired outcome.

The ability to separate interests from positions is key to resolving conflict for these reasons:

  • Focusing on positions often creates a competitive, even combative, struggle in which each party is determined to win.
  • Separating interests from positions assists parties in focusing on the underlying issues rather than dealing with ideological or situational reactions.
  • Focusing on interests rather than positions increases communication and the possibility of agreement.
  • Identifying interests requires taking a step in defining and analyzing the conflict: such a step is necessary to reach a resolution.

Tips for Separating Interests from Positions

  • Change your focus.
  • Clearly state your interests rather than your position.
  • Ask questions to elicit and clarify the other parties' interests?the needs, concerns, and values that motivate their position.
  • Express your understanding of the vision or purpose of the group.

In Head Start, we have some fundamental common interests and values related to the well-being of children and families. Keeping our "eyes on the prize" can often help us to get past positions and back to the fundamental interests at stake.

Reaching a "Win-Win" Solution

Traditional methods of negotiation?holding discussions to arrive at a compromise that is acceptable to everyone?are based on power relations in which one party wins and another loses. The "win-win" strategy involves collaboration and negotiation. It is based on interests rather than positions. It can lead to agreements that satisfy all parties.

Use these principles to reach a "win-win" solution:

  • View participants as problem solvers.
  • Separate the people from the problem.
  • Be soft on the people, hard on the problem.
  • Focus on interests, not on positions or the bottom line.
  • Help participants create multiple options for mutual gain.
  • Use objective criteria.
  • Reason and be open to reason; yield to principles, not to pressure.

Assessing and Resolving Conflicts: A Sequential Process

Like most problem-solving processes, the conflict management process can be broken down into steps. The Head Start Moving Ahead training program identifies a six-step sequential process for assessing and resolving conflicts:

Stage 1 - Define the Problem: Clearly define the nature of the conflict and the fundamental issues. Show appreciation for what is working well.

Stage 2 - Clarify the Needs: Clearly identify the needs of everyone involved. By taking everyone's perspectives into account, you are likely to develop solutions that benefit everyone.

Stage 3 - Generate Possible Options: Generate a range of possible solutions. This will help everyone involved analyze the plausibility of different options and their potential viability.

Stage 4 - Evaluate Proposed Options: Develop criteria that can be used to examine and evaluate each option. Example of questions: Do all members understand the solution? Is it realistic? Are all members of the team committed to the idea? What could go wrong? What are the potential benefits?

Stage 5 - Develop an Action Plan: Choose an effective solution, ask these questions to develop an action plan:

  • What small steps can the team take to achieve the best results?
  • Who will take the lead for each step? Who else will be involved?
  • What is the time frame for each step?
  • What criteria will be used to evaluate the plan's effectiveness?

Stage 6 - Develop a Contingency Plan: Develop a written contingency plan in advance in case you encounter unforeseen circumstances in implementing the action plan.

While each conflict is unique, this basic framework can make the process of understanding and resolving the conflicts much easier.

Moving toward understanding conflict and using it to increase personal and workplace growth are the first steps to seeing conflict with insight and perspective. As educators and administrators, we need to step out of old beliefs, ideas, and habits and see with new eyes. Using our new-found conflict resolution skills, we can identify different types of conflict, examine and better understand them, and find a "win-win" solution for everyone involved.

Conflicts Have Value

Conflicts have value in a number of ways. They:

  • Focus attention on problems that have to be solved. Conflicts energize and motivate us to solve our problems.
  • Clarify what you care about, are committed to, and value. You only disagree over wants and goals you value. And you argue much more frequently and intensely with people you value or care about.
  • Help you understand who the other person is and what his or her values are. Conflicts clarify the identities of your friends, co-workers, and acquaintances.
  • Clarify how you need to change. Conflicts clarify and highlight patterns of behavior that are dysfunctional.
  • Strengthen relationships by increasing your confidence that you can resolve your disagreements. Every time a serious conflict is resolved constructively, the relationship becomes less fragile and more able to withstand crises and problems.
  • Keep the relationship clear of irritations and resentments so positive feelings can be experienced fully. A good conflict may do a lot to resolve the small tensions of interacting with others.
  • Release emotions that, if kept inside, make us physically and mentally sick. Addressing a conflict a day keeps depression away!
  • Add fun, enjoyment, excitement, and variety to your life. Being in a conflict reduces boredom, gives you new goals, motivates you to take action, and stimulates interest.

Adapted from David Johnson and Roger T. Johnson's article "Peacemakers: Teaching Students to Resolve Their Own and Schoolmates' Conflicts" published in the February 1996 issue of Children.

Definitions of Key Terms

Collaboration: A desire or need to create or discover something new, while thinking and working with others. It is a process of joint decision making among parties. It involves: different views and perspectives, shared goals, building new shared understandings, and the creation of a new value or product. Collaborations may address a single issue or a short-term concern.

Conflict: A situation where people on the same team have different overall goals.

Conflict Resolution: A process to resolve disputes between people with different interests. This resolution process can have constructive consequences if the parties air their different interests, make trade-offs, and reach a settlement that satisfies the essential needs of each.

Goal: A desired future condition, including measurable end results, to be accomplished within specified time limits.

Mediation: A process through which a third party assists the disputants in finding a mutually acceptable solution. In mediation, the role of the third party is to assist disputants in considering or exploring all the parameters of a conflict (interests, facts, possible solutions). The mediator is not authorized to impose a solution upon the parties; rather the mediator uses a series of joint and confidential private meetings to help the parties determine whether a set of solutions exists to which each party can say yes.

Negotiation: Direct talk among the parties about a conflict, conducted with the goal of achieving a resolution. The distinguishing characteristic is that the talk involves the parties themselves without the direct assistance of a third party.

Process: A series of actions by which something is produced. A set of interrelated activities that is characterized by receiving inputs and adding value to produce a desired output.

Creating a "Win-Win" Problem-Solving Environment

These days, more and more people are spending a majority of their time at work. And since many people end up spending as much time with their co-workers as they do with their families, the opportunity to work in a supportive environment that encourages growth is invaluable.

One way that people grow is through overcoming challenges and developing good problem-solving skills. And if work environments support new ideas and encourage constructive criticism in an open, blame-free setting, problem-solving skills are encouraged and nurtured. As leaders and professionals, we can facilitate and support a "win-win" problem-solving workplace by agreeing on specific ground rules and helping each other to follow them.

Ground rules can be simple or elaborate, depending on the needs of the group. At a minimum, your rules should include the following:

  • Look for and highlight good points.
  • Abstain from put-downs.
  • Listen. Do not interrupt each other. Do not speak too long or too often.
  • Volunteer yourself only.
  • Agree on confidentiality, when necessary.

Expect the group to discuss issues and find resolutions. Ask every member of the group to support the following approach:

  • Agree to be active listeners.
  • Give every participant time to explain the challenge as she or he perceives it.
  • Allow emotions to be expressed in a non-violent manner.
  • Agree to be open to new ideas and flexible to creative solutions.
  • Find a solution that addresses the consensus of the group.

Attempts to create a work environment that fosters "win-win" problem-solving will reduce group apathy and inspire creative solutions.

The group will see opportunities rather than problems.

Head Start Bulletin
Issue No. 68
by Kathryn Fernandez
Page last reviewed by athealth.com on February 2, 2014

Conflict Resolution

Conflicts and confrontations - especially with those close to you - can be particularly stressful. It is not an unusual thing to disagree with others. After all, we are all different people with different opinions, wants, and needs. But disagreements do not have to swell into something more unpleasant. Actually, one of the best ways to resolve a conflict is not to let it develop into a large problem in the first place. This requires, first of all, that you do some thinking about situations where you have had problems with others in the past. Chances are, you may find one or more themes running through these situations. Broadly speaking, conflicts occur when our needs and expectations for others are not being met, or our limits are being pushed too far.

At times, for example, you may require sympathy or understanding from a close friend or loved one, and when it is not received, you may become upset. You might expect someone to remain quiet while you are reading or trying to find the right word in a conversation, only to be frustrated when they do not remain quiet. Or you may expect someone to help you complete a certain task, and you become angry when they do not. You might also feel resentful when others make too many demands of you. These are some common examples of things that can lead to conflict.

Most of these situations can be avoided if you clearly communicate your needs, expectations, and limits to others. This should be done up front - especially when you encounter a situation where you expect that your needs will not be met or your limits and expectations will be violated. If you are feeling an unpleasant emotion such as agitation, frustration, anger, impatience, resentment, sadness, etc., rather strongly, that is usually a good sign that it is time to clearly express to the person you are with what you might need or expect from them. If a particular person you are with has a habit of not noticing specific needs and expectations that are likely to come up, it may also be time to let that person know what you need from him or her.

For example, if you are feeling very frustrated, and have noticed that you do not respond to questions very well when you are frustrated, you might say something like, "I'm very frustrated right now, and I get very impatient with people when I'm like that. Could you just ask me those questions later?" Or, if you are in a conversation and struggling to find the right thing to say - and talking to a person who tends to interrupt - you might simply say, "Let me think about this quietly for a second" or "Give me a minute to think about this and then I will respond".

When you do decide to clearly communicate what you want from someone, it is very important that you do so kindly, directly, factually, and non-aggressively. Saying something nice, or complimentary, is generally a good way to begin this process. It 'softens' the request you are about to deliver and makes it sound less critical and more casual. Being indirect, or "hinting" ("beating around the bush" is another way to say it) at what you expect, may not communicate your message effectively, and can leave you frustrated or otherwise upset when the other person does not do as you have asked. To communicate factually, in this case, means simply to state specifically what you would like the person to do or not do, and (optionally) how you are feeling.

Do not try to interpret or guess the other person's motives or feelings or thoughts. For example, imagine you were having a friend over for dinner who has, in the past, made some unpleasant remarks such as swearing or telling an inappropriate story around your wife and children. When inviting him, you might say something like, "I'm glad you're coming over for dinner. I just wanted to ask that you not swear. I'd rather that my wife and kids not hear that, and I get anxious whenever someone starts swearing around them." If you state it this way, you have started the conversation by saying something nice to the person, you have 'just stated the facts' regarding what you would like to happen and how you are feeling, and you have avoided insulting him or accusing him of wrongdoing. This would likely cause much less trouble than saying something like, "If you pull the same stunt you pulled last time you came over, I'm never having you over again." In this case, you may have managed to insult him, accuse him of having negative intentions, threaten him, and still not clearly state how it is you want him to behave!

As a second example, imagine that you are feeling very distressed and need to talk with a close friend. You've noticed in the past that this friend does not listen very well and tends to offer lame advice, which makes you frustrated and angry. You might simply tell him, before you start explaining how you feel, something like, "I need your help with this, but I really just need someone to listen closely to me right now, without any advice. Can you help me out?" Stated this way, you have avoided accusing the person of being a bad listener, indicated that you appreciate his being there, and clearly stated what it is you want him to do.

Sometimes your needs and expectations will only become apparent to you after you have gotten into an argument or conflict with someone. In such cases, it may be a good idea to express what you need and want from the other person at a later time so that, should a situation like that arise again, the other person will better understand you. Of course, you will want to wait until you and the other person are feeling calm and agreeable before doing so.

Finally, you would not want to communicate all of your needs, expectations, and limits at once, nor would you want to communicate such things to just anyone. To do so would likely be perceived as too controlling, too rigid, or just plain strange.

  • You should determine what specific needs, expectations, and personal limits cause the most problems for you when they are not respected by others, and focus first on expressing those.
  • You should choose people who you are close to and who have more than just casual conversations with you. You should also recognize specific people and specific situations where your particular needs, expectations, and limits are not addressed or observed by others, and thus express them clearly as the need arises.
  • Remember, no one can read your mind, and things that seem obvious to you may not be so obvious to others. After all, we are in much closer contact with what we want than others are....what we dislike, and what we expect are well known to us personally.
  • The best way to make others know what we are feeling and thinking is to tell them.

Adapted from Positive Coping Skills Toolbox
VA Mental Illness Research, Education, and Clinical Centers (MIRECC)

Page last modified/reviewed by athealth.com on February 2, 2014

Connecting with Your Kids: Strategies for Tough Conversations

Fewer than half of all sixth graders describe their family communication as positive and only 22% of high school seniors do. What would your kids say?

The challenge for parents? Learn to listen. Be available without being pushy. And find ways to talk about the hard stuff, so that she feels comfortable sharing with you. If you can control your emotions and keep the situation safe, your child may be able to start sharing her deepest worries. That's when break-throughs happen. How?

  • Don't take it personally. Your teenager slams the door to her bedroom. Your ten-year-old huffs, "Mom, you never understand!" Your four-year-old screams, "I hate you, Daddy!"What's the most important thing to remember? DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! This isn't primarily about you. It's about them: their tangled up feelings, their difficulty controlling themselves, their immature ability to understand and express their emotions.Taking it personally wounds you, which means you do what we all do when we're hurt: either close off, or lash out, or both, which just worsens a tough situation for all concerned.
  • Manage your own feelings and behavior. The only one you can control in this situation is yourself. That means you:
    • Take a deep breath.
    • Let the hurt go.
    • Remind yourself that your child does in fact love you but can't get in touch with it at the moment.
    • Consciously lower your voice.
    • Try hard to remember what it feels like to be a kid who is upset and over-reacting.
    • Notice if your "story" is making you upset ("But she lied to me!") and if necessary expand the story to change your emotional response: ("My daughter was so afraid of my reaction that she lied to me. I guess I need to look at how I respond when she tells me bad news.")
    • Master your own fear about how she's acting. Just because she's emotionally overwrought at the age of twelve doesn't mean she'll always act this way.
  • Reconnect with your love and empathy for your child. You can still set limits, but you do it from as calm a place as you can muster. I'm not for a minute suggesting that you let your child treat you disrespectfully. I'm suggesting you act out of love, rather than anger, as you set limits. And if you're too angry to get in touch with your love at the moment, then wait until you are.
  • Always start the conversation by acknowledging your child's position, as near as you can make it out. That takes him off the defensive so he can hear you. Let him take off from your comments to correct and elaborate; then reflect his corrections so he knows you recognize his side of things.
  • Extend respect. Remember that more than one perspective can be true at once. Assume your child has a reason for her views or behavior. It may not be what you would consider a good reason, but she has a reason. If you want to understand her, you'll need to extend her the basic respect of trying to see things from her point of view. Say whatever you need to say and then close your mouth and listen.
  • Keep the conversation safe for everyone. People can't hear when they're upset. If they don't feel safe, they generally withdraw or attack. If your child begins getting angry, scared or hurt, back up and reconnect. Remind him - and yourself - how much you love him, and that you're committed to finding a solution that works for everyone.
  • Try hard to avoid making your child wrong. This isn't about winning, but about teaching. Use "I" statements to describe your feelings ("It scares me when you're late and don't call.") Describe the situation. ("This report card is much worse than your previous report cards.") Give information. ("Our neighbor Mrs. Weiner says that you were smoking in the back yard.")
  • Summon your sense of humor. A light touch almost magically diffuses tension.
  • Remember that expressing anger just makes you angrier because it reinforces your sense that you're right and the other person is wrong. Instead, notice your anger and use it as a signal of what needs to change. For instance, rather than throwing a tantrum because the kids aren't helping around the house, use your anger as a motivator to implement a new system of chores - one they help design -- that will help prevent the problematic situation in the future.

Author: Laura Markham, PhD. Dr. Laura Markham is the founder of the parenting web site, http://yourparentingsolutions.com/, featuring a popular advice column and parent-tested solutions you can use every day to connect with your kids and create a richer family life. Her work appears regularly on a dozen parenting sites and in print. Dr. Markham specializes in helping families nurture the parent-child relationships that protect today's kids. She lives in New York with her husband, eleven-year-old daughter, and fifteen-year-old son.

Page last modified or reviewed on February 2, 2014